It’s Like I Told You

I’m lonely when I’m not working like hell. I guess that means I shouldn’t stop working.

I listened and sung a tenor accompaniment to “Only The Lonely” by The Motels a few times, in part because it fit, and in part because the album it’s from was a goodly portion of the soundtrack to my childhood; my Mom loves that album. Even its emotive lyrics and melody remind me of when things were simple.

I thought about going back to personals sites but they make me cringe like looking at LiveJournals does; it’s part of the Internet I wish would just disappear, strictly because of the aires and attitudes they inspire. The same holds true for both: I’m sure there are nice people on the personals sites and I’m sure there are quality LJ’ers, they just seem to be the exception. Not going back there.

I’m lonely, but at the same time very confident. I feel like no matter what I decide to do I’m going to do well, and I want to be with somebody just as confident and driven. I’ve previously been attracted to “quirky” girls, geeky and “alternative” girls, but so many of them either lack direction and self-assurance despite their smarts or take too much stock in their alt-appeal (you know the type, the self-glorifying and self-indulgent arty girl whose new sculpture-cum-installation you just have to see, she says, hands engaged in sweeping gestures). I’ve got no patience for that, and no patience for the rest of the little girls around me, taking their sweet time to grow up and evolve self-respect and motivation (not that my male peers are any better).

I guess it’s going to be a problem for me as long as my primary social scene is school. I’m attracted to professional, pulled-together women, yet I’m presently surrounded with people trying to make their first steps into the adult world, no less in the coddling, insipid environment of an American university. Needle in a haystack.

All that sounds a little more bitter than I intended. A lot more bitter, even. I don’t really begrudge my peers their gradual, easy-paced transition to adulthood. If anything, as I’ve written, I should probably lighten up and be more like them, though I think that window has long since closed for me.

I know it will be worth the wait to find a partner who is truly a partner, a woman with whom I can share love and respect. In the interim, however, it feels every day like I’m not doing enough to search this partner out, and it aches not to be able to love someone. Like Slug says, “if you’ve got a lot of love to give, and you don’t know who to give it to…”

You work, I guess.