“Milkshake” and Potential Global Population Disaster

I have a problem with Kelis’s song “Milkshake”. I Believe it contains inaccuracies and falsehoods that could potentially be damaging and misleading.

Is my problem, you ask, that the song encourages a sort of lewd competition amongst females for the skill with which they can perform various sexual acts, presumably engaged in with multiple unloving partners, and targets this message by virtue of its “Urban music” industry profiling at women in minority communities historically battling high occurrences of sexually transmitted diseases, high teenage birth rates, and low prophylactic usage?

Heck no.

My problem with the song is that it is statistically unlikely – nay, impossible – that “all the boys” (that is, all males of mating capacity) could conceivably be brought “to the yard” (that is, the general vicinity of singer Kelis and her frequented territory, presumably a fairly small area). And were “all the boys” brought “to the yard,” the fierce Darwinian competition in which they would engage for a chance at acts potentially leading to procreation with Miss Kelis seems a poor use of genetic material. Should all these males inevitably engage in a kind of primal battle for birthing rights, the death toll would amount to an utter loss of the dead’s biological heritage. While Kelis has demonstrated (in hotpants no less) that she is a fine female specimen with robust hips well suited to the breeding task, deadly competition for her amongst the entirety of the human male population past puberty seems excessive despite her positive physical attributes.

All this without even considering that her manner of copulation is better than that of all other females, and that this is universally acknowledged amongst the male population (“they’re like, ’it’s better than yours’”). If word of this spreads beyond those whose ears have already been touched by this siren song of population destabilization few males will continue to pair with current – and apparently inadequate – female partners. And Kelis, crafty and cruel, holds the world at ransom: “I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.”

With much of the developed world’s fiscal resources tied up in military actions, soybean futures, and pornography website subscriptions, the chances of meeting Kelis’s demands are slim. We are truly doomed, and “Milkshake” is a harbinger of the curse of humanity’s own hubris.

Erm. Yes. Now that that’s out of the way…

It’s a fine track, but as many have commented, lacking in staying power in no small part due to Kelis’s somewhat flat and unemotive vocals. However, there are many fine remixes cropping up that tease out the best elements of the track while sprucing it up with new sonic contexts. I, for one, think it would make a fine garage or 2-step joint with the right production, but then I’m not nearly British enough to have an informed opinion about such things (Herronbone is, however).